Trashy TV: Monday- Friday

Let's talk trash. More specifically, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt and the season premiere of The Hills....

Our story begins with with The Most Hated Sister Stephanie and the Evil Wtich of Hollywood Heidi. Heidi wants to change and not be the Evil Witch anymore, but she cannot as long as she is engaged to the Lord of the Underworld Spencer.  Heidi wants to desperately to be friends again with The Princess of the Valley, Lauren, because The Princess is the only one who can save her from the Lord.

So anyway, Stephanie and Heidi are having lunch. Heidi says "OMG, Laurens bday is coming up for sure" and Stephanie said "OMG, you are soooo smart, I can't believe you have such an awesome memory!" and Heidi said, "Me either- they said this hair bleach would rot my brain out, but look at me now bitches!" so Stephanie said "Lauren is having a surprise party and I know that Lo and Audrina didn't invite you, but do you want to go anyway?" and Heidi was like "Yeah I'm sure they just overlooked me and it has nothing to do with the fact that I let my fiance spread awful rumors about Lauren having a sex tape with that walking STD".

So the Only Kind Of Evil Witch Heidi and the Soon To Be Even More Hated Sister Stephanie lied to the underworld about their plans for the evening ["We are dressing up to go to church My Lord" they told him- ok fine they told him they were having a girls night] and he was like "screw you bitches I'm having a guys night with some guy that I am paying to be on camera because I dont actually have any friends." So Stephanie threw her beautiful blonde hair out the window and Heidi climbed down it and they were off [they didn't realize they were on the bottom floor and that the dramatics were not necessary, but it was in the script so what are you gonna do?].

So Heidi and Stephanie went to Lauren's birthday party on a boat [inspired, perhaps, by this? Do you think Lauren had on flippy floppys?]. The Princess was incredibly annoyed by the Witch's presence and considered banning her from the boat, but alas, they had already sailed away into the sunset, i mean, er, harbor. She didn't get her title of Princess of the Valley by pushing people off boats, so she let her stay. But she was NOT going to talk to her. 

Meanwhile, back on the mainland, Spencer was at a bar hanging with his paid actor friend and flirting shamelessly with the bartender [surprised? anyone? bueller?] when who should walk in but the The Most Hated Sister's ex boyfriend Camerona [ i mean, we shouldn't be surprised that in a town as small as Los Angeles Spencer would run into a guy that he hates]. Cameron then tattle tells about Spencers flirting to Stephanie who is on the boat with Heidi, who reads the text and begins to shake.

[back on the boat]

Heidi is shaking and wondering, "How could this be true?" and everyone on the boat responds, "Because you're dating The Lord of the Underworld!" and so our fair witch calls the Lord and says, "Why are you flirting with that bartender" and Spencer says "Who told on me?" and Heidi said "Cameron" [smooth, Heidi, real smooth. don't expect Cameron to ever spy for you again] and then Spencer said "oh hell naw" and punched Cameron in the face with his brass knuckles- Cameron had to get five stitches!

So then Heidi starts to cry because she couldn't imagine how she would feel if anyone ever punched her beautiful nose and messed it up, and Lauren felt bad and tried to comfort her, and Heidi was like "How could he do this to me?" and Lauren was like "Because he's an asshole" and Heidi was like "You're my best friend!" and Lauren was like "But we can never be together because you date an asshole- booohoooooo!" and Heidi said "Booooohooooo".

Then, another episode happened, where Lauren told Stephanie that she could NOT make her be friends with Heidi and to back off, and Heidi and Spencer got in a fight about the bartender and Heidi ran away to the comforts of Colorado where her mom try to reunite {read :force her upon} her ex boyfriend from High School, Spencer went back to the bartender, and Lauren was kind of mean to her friends because they threw her a party on a boat .......... ew.

Man. I have the worst hand cramp right now. Tune in next week to find out if the Lord of the Underworld will prevail!