The Vagina Monologues.....from a different perspective

http://www.themaneater.com/stories/2008/2/19/ode-beautiful-phallus/

By Dan Friesen
Feb. 19, 2008

So, I went to see the Vagina Monologues over the weekend. I have to make one thing explicitly clear right from the beginning: I am all for ending violence against women. I'm also all for ending violence against men. And animals. All in all, I'm not a big fan of violence.

Two things really stood out to me during the show. First, Alicia Smith Jr., our local sex columnist extraordinaire was conspicuous in her absence in the cast. What better way to solidify your sex advice cred than to scream about your vagina on stage? Second, and maybe I'm being a little naive here, there was no time given to the male perspective.

Perhaps the Vagina Monologues isn't exactly the place for that, but I think something must be done. In the name of equality, in the name of giving a voice to the sensitive, non-violent man who loves his penis, I am proud to announce that I am going to be starting a little production of my own: The Penis Monologues. Here is an excerpt from one of the monologues, entitled "Ode To A Beautiful Phallus."

"My penis. My penis is a Native American warrior, hunting bison on the grassy savannah. My penis is a little boy, collecting shells at the seashore, eyes glowing in pure curiosity. My penis is a diving board bouncing wildly after launching Greg Louganis to Olympic glory. My penis is Andy Warhol, opening the door for future artistic weirdos.

"Sometimes my penis is sad. It wonders why there is so much cruelty in this world. It wonders why people think it wants to hurt them.

"What would my penis wear, you ask? A top hat. A monocle. It would carry a cane. My penis shares its fashion sense with Mr. Peanut. My penis would definitely have a beard, but it would probably be a little better maintained than mine. At night, my penis would wear a silk robe with dragons on the back.

"What would my penis say? My penis would sound like Michael McDonald: a velvety smooth voice that refuses to be defined as high or deep. My penis would sound sincere when it needed to, its voice cracking at particularly emotional points. You can always tell from my penis' voice if it's smiling. My penis would enjoy discussing the finer points of the English language, particularly different forms of conditional statements, especially when it has been drinking.

"My penis isn't afraid of the intimacy conveyed by eye-contact. My penis isn't materialistic; it shuns status symbols like rings and necklaces. My penis is grounded like that.

"My penis prefers natural lighting and always uses energy saving bulbs. My penis thinks a perfect evening would be sitting at home, reading some Herman Hesse and sipping Shiraz.

"My penis is Martin Luther King Jr., telling Washington that it has a dream. My penis is a cliff-diver, throwing caution to the wind, risking life and limb for a thrill and a new definition of gracefulness. My penis is Michael Johnson racing a giraffe, settling once and for all which species is king of the track."

Wow.

That was pretty powerful. I would like to welcome all of you out there to send me your penis monologues, which I will compile into a script for the stage. I will then perform it, with proceeds going to (you guessed it) women's shelters. I would give the money to men's shelters, but that somehow seems less admirable, being as men's shelters tend to cater to the men who sent the women to the women's shelters.


*Originally posted February 19,2008*