Under My Skin

Ads We Hate

The most annoying commercials in the universe.

By Seth Stevenson

(I've picked a few of my favs but click here for the full article)

I'll get things started with one of my own recent unfaves: the Lincoln Financial Group spots in which people's older, future selves travel back in time to offer guidance. In one, a man is sitting on a plane preparing for takeoff when suddenly his wrinkly future self takes the adjacent seat, looks over, and commends his younger self for saving money by flying coach. After some anodyne advice about the importance of financial planning, the future dude stands up to leave. "Where are you going?" the younger man asks his elder self. "Back to first class; we can afford it now," smiles the older him.

So many problems here. First, the passenger manifest would show two people with the same Social Security number boarding the flight. TSA red flag! But more important: The plane would explode the instant the old man sat down. We all know that meeting a past/future incarnation of ourselves will cause a violent rip in the space-time continuum. And finally: Screw you, future me! You think you're better than present me? It's crowded back here, and there're babies crying! So cough up the first-class ticket, gramps, or I buy a yacht and drain your nascent retirement accounts. Yup, I'll be paying the penalty for early withdrawal, too. We'll see who's smug then!

But wait, there's an even worse Lincoln Financial spot: A woman is waiting in a hospital hallway, her husband apparently in grave danger, when she meets her future self. "How's he doing?" asks the supernatural visitor, and the woman replies that she doesn't know. The future her then launches into an earnest lecture about the importance of good investing. ("We have a plan to help grow and protect our money throughout our life.") Only at the very end of this speech does she casually tack on the information that, oh, by the way, the husband will be fine. So if you knew he'd be fine, why'd you ask? And how dare you make that poor woman sit through a pitch for a brokerage firm before revealing the fate of her husband. Yeesh, future lady. Way to bury the lede.

I especially enjoyed your article about inappropriate musical choices in television commercials. On that note, I wonder if you've seen this spot for Wishbone salad dressing, which uses the song "Bump" by Spank Rock. Sure, they didn't use any of the lyrics, but I have to wonder why they'd create an association between "delicious vinaigrette dressings" and one of the filthiest songs I've ever heard.
—Noreen T.

Well, the ad does say they're changing "everything" about salad dressing. I'd argue that "Bump" is the perfect soundtrack to accompany that mission. Why shouldn't a vegetable vinaigrette conjure sentiments like "You get it from behind, in just Chanel pumps"? For their next ad, I suggest they use "Toss My Salad," by underpublicized genius Filthy Sex Toy. (Given Filthy Sex Toy's graphic lyrics, I must sternly warn you that what you will see should you click on that link is in no way safe for work. And yet I must also stress that fabulous entertainment awaits beyond.)

I remembered you comparing "Vince wit Shamwow" to Billy Mays, and thought you might enjoy seeing Mays' new spiel, selling health insurance.
—Andrew L.

This ad is kind of amazing. Watch Billy Mays' hand gestures—they never stop! Hands go out, palms facing each other. Hands come back in, fists balled. Hands go back out, index fingers extended. It's either OCD or some sort of primitive sign language. I think it's happening because he has no tangible product to demonstrate. They should have let him use a sheaf of insurance documentation to wipe up spills with. Or maybe a wallet card for dabbing on grout?