Trashy TV: Monday- Friday, THE FINALE EDITION

Recaps, recaps, recaps! I am so behind on my recaps so I will try to swiftly get through all the finale editions that I have missed, starting from last weeks 2 hour finale of Lost. I will warn you in advance that there will be spoilers [I like to tell it how it is], so don't read if you haven't seen the finale yet! 

Ready? Let's go!

The show begins with Kate, Sawyer and Juliette on the submarine, eventually deciding that they want to somehow bust out of this boat and go back to the island to stop Jack from killing everyone.

Jack is with Sayid- Sayid gets shot! But don't worry, Hurley and Jin and that Asian guy blaze through the Dharma camp in the VW van and swoop them up and off to safety. Until....

Juliette, Sawyer, and Kate [the triangle of awkwardness] are standing in the middle of the road. Oh no guys, what do we do? We are in a big, motorized vehicle that only weighs a couple tons and they are standing in the road! There's no way we'll get around them! Guess we have to give up.

[In a short rewind, when the triangle of awkwardness washed up on shore, they ran into Rose and Bernard who are still alive and still irrelevant to the show.]

Meanwhile, in another time period, Locke is leading the survivors of the second plane crash [including Ben and Sun] and Guyliner Richard to Jacbos to kill him! But why? We can't figure it out. There have been Jacob flashbacks throughout the show and he has been involved in everyones life and has been very kind to all of them. But, Locke knows best and we must trust that he knows what he's doing and that killing Jacob would be the right thing to do. Ben trusts him, why shouldn't we?

Turns out, Jacob lives in the foot of the statue [ what DOES lie in the shadow of the statue?] and he probably ISN'T bad after all, but Ben is upset that he was ignored and so he stabs him [STAB! STAB! STAB!] and pushes him into the fire and THEN we find out that Locke is actually still dead and that someone or something [SMOKE MONSTER??] is in his body and convincing people to do bad things!!!!

Meanwhile, 30 years earlier, Jack drops a hydrogen bomb in a hole in the hopes of putting them back in the future and having Oceanic flight 815 never have happened, but the bomb doesn't go off, but the machine malfunctions, and Juliette falls in the hole and is going to die! And Sawyer is oh so sad [but now he can fight over Kate with Jack again.....goodie]. But, TWIST, Juliette is at the bottom of the hole and is not dead yet, so she hits the bomb with a rock [HIT,HIT,HIT!] until FLASH.....................the screen fades to WHITE. Oh dang. It was a good episode. I am so sad that next season is the last and even SADDER that we must wait til January to see it. Do you think we can figure out how to time travel so we can see Season 6 before 2010?

Izzie and George probably both die. It's very sad. Oh and Paris from Gilmore Girls had cancer and died too. And Bailey is getting divorced. And Arizona is so frakking ANNOYING. Meredith and Derek think they got married on a post it, but little do they know that won't hold up in court OR in a divorce. 

Snoozefest!!!! Boooooring!!!! Waste of Space!!!

Ok, well it wasn't THAT bad. But I didn't like the ending [clearly]. So, Mike and Katherine are going to Vegas to get married. Zzzzzzzzzz. Remember when Katherine was all uppity and in everyone's business and way too good to get married in Vegas? I liked that Katherine a lot better. Anyway, so they are off to Vegas and Creepy Dave is taking Susan and MJ on a fishing trip, but little do they know that he plans to kill them! Dun dun duuuuuuun.

Carlos and whatsherface take in his teenager niece who is a paid escort for older men [with no funny business!]. I dont judge her [ahmmm, Gabby]. In fact, where do I sign up?

Lynette Scavo thinks her cancer is back- oh wait, she just pregnant with twins. No big deal. Do we think these two bebes can accomplish what the other four couldn't.......the maturing of Tom? Oh cliffhangers....

Meanwhile, at the airport, Mike discovers a video of Dave's confession. Now ain't that just like a crazy person? You do not tape your confession and give it away before the crime has actually happened. Amateur. So Mike rushes to save Susan and Mj, and Susan learns of Daves plan to pull their car out in the road right in front of Mike so that he crashes into them right where Mike and Susan crashed into his precious wife and daughter 5 years earlier. 

But then, for reasons I still don't understand, Dave lets Susan out and ties her to a stop sign [?]. And then lets MJ out too. And so Mike only crashes into him. And Mike isn't hurt. At all. But Dave is put in a mental institution. Um, Dave, I hate to break it to you, but I'm pretty sure that doesn't count as revenge.

No cliffhangers here- in fact, it all wrapped up just a little too nicely for my tastes.

Oh how things were really looking up for Gossip Girl. These last few episodes have been relatively entertaining to me but last night just kind of missed the mark. 

The kids are graduating, yay! There's going to be a new queen bee, yay! Serena was too good to wear her cap so she just tied her tassle in her hair, yay! Gossip Girl sent a text to everyone saying mean things about all of the graduates..................booooooooo. 

Back at the Van Der Woodsons, there is a lavish after graduation get together for all of the graduates and their families [ I mean, really, where does Lily get all that money?? Sure, her heritage is lots of mulah, but we were led to believe a couple of weeks ago that her family cut her off years ago and as far as I can tell she certainly doesn't have a job. I guess if I'd been married 4 times to rich men and gotten awesome divorce settlements and alimony, I'd be pretty dang rich too]. Anywho, Serena, Nate, Blair and Chuck decide that Gossip Girl must be stopped and that it must be someone who is their age and goes to their school, so Serena has the brilliant plan that she will text a tip to Gossip Girl and whoevers phone goes off is the culprit. Well, TWIST, Jonathon, Serena's brother Eriks boyfriend [still with me] is Gossip Girl! Well, he was until the commercial break was over, and then we found out that he was just bored and hacked into GG's shizz and now gets all her messages. Um, here's a tip Jonathon, why don't you delete the messages so she can stop reeking havack on all of your friends.

All of this of course pisses Gossip Girl off [how does she know???] and later that night at Nate's party she sends out all of the secrets that she had [including that Blair slept with Chucks uncle Jack!]. Blair and Chuck were "this close" [you can't see me but my fingers are very close together right now] to making babies until this Uncle Jack bomb dropped and then Chuck didn't love her anymore. But then at the end of the episode, he does! Hip, hip, hooray! This better last for awhile, because that story line is getting old and haggard.

Serena goes off to Europe[?] for a much needed vacation and finds out that Christian has found her dad in Fiji [who IS that Christian guy anyway??].

Georgina calls Dan and tells him that all of his money is back in his account and then requests to be Blairs roommate at college in the fall. I'm glad she's back and that she's a bitch again. She really revs the show up, and it.is.needed.

Nate quits his internship and decides to go across Europe with Vanessa afterall. They agree that if they get drunk enough that they will hook up.

Lily and rufus get back together and Rufus gets her an embarassingly inadequate engagement ring. Little J is next years Queen Bee. She has outlawed headbands. But what about ballet flats? CLIFFHANGER!!!

Ugh! I'm soooo over it. Next week is Lauren's last episode, so it looks like my Monday nights are freeing up. Anybody want to take me out to dinner? No? Moving on....

Lauren fires Stephanie, Stephanie cries at the office, cries to Heidi, cries to Audrina about a boy she likes but doesn't know having a live in girlfriend, cry, cry, cry. You know its a sad episode when Spencer is the most mature Pratt.

Heidi's real dad comes into town and I'm pretty sure he should be on the show every single week. Cowboy Bill is what we'll call him, and he'll ride through LA with his Colt 45 ablazin.....and all will be well. Spencer asks Cowboy Bill for Heidi's hand in marriage [i mean, dont you think it's a little late for that? you got her drunk and tricked her into a mexican marriage and then tried to trick her into getting married at the courthouse......NOW is when you choose to ask her dads permission??] In a surprising TWIST, Cowboy Bill does not shoot Spencers fact off, but instead, gives him his blessing. Spencer then proposes to Heidi on the Ferris Wheel on the Santa Monica pier [here's hoping this ring is actually real]. 

Lauren fired Stephanie. Oh, I already said that? That's pretty much all that happened with her. 

That's pretty much all that happened in general. We are left knowing only that next week is Laurens last episode and that is something that should make us all very, very sad. Or happy. Or something. But, the news isn't all bad- now we can read her book! Yaaaaaaaay.

I hope you all enjoyed this finale edition of Trashy TV: Monday- Friday. Whatever will I write about this summer?