RELAX

Readers, this advice comes from an anonymous friend of a friend and I just thought it was too good to share. It's a great reminder that the universe is bigger than us [in all aspects- not just relationships] and that sometimes we need to just relax and know that God has a perfect timing for everything- even boyfriends!

Your email prompted me to reflect on some of the themes I've been thinking about recently, and since I am going to be in the office all night and a reflection break sounded like a tempting idea, I offer the following for you to read, ignore, turn into a paper airplane, etc. Mostly it's my own reflections, but perhaps you may find some of it helpful, even if just for kindling.

What I have learned though, in my egregious old age and from having dated since the age of 12 and having made likely every single dating mistake possible is to simply do the following: relax. relax. then take a deep breath and...relax. Or, as I like to tell myself, "chill the f*ck out". (Caveat: I only FINALLY understood this idea and put it into actual practice very recently, with results I have been really happy with; admittedly, it is MUCH easier in theory than in practice.) I really, really believe that now and I have been very happy with how that philosophy has been affecting my life and then my romantic life in the past couple of months, in particular since meeting X and how I've dealt with all the excitement associated with that.

One of my books on training for long-distance running encourages you to run slowly, pointing out that it's a long-distance run and not a sprint and that most injuries come from trying to run too fast but that it's nearly impossible to get injured by running too slowly. So run slowly. There's no downside risk. No matter how excited I am or how perfect things seem, one hard and fast rule for myself now is, for example, absolutely no meeting of the parents before 6 months (again, I learned this from experience!). There's no downside risk to waiting that extra little bit of time, but running too fast can cause injuries you might not otherwise have experienced. Barring exceptional circumstances of course, the parents will still be there in 6 months. Waiting and self-discipline about taking big steps quickly or getting ahead of the point a relationship has had the time to naturally progress of course really sucks when you're super-excited (and, again, I admit, I have historically completely sucked at this and exhalted in rushing) but, like long-distance running, you're never going to mess things up by going to slowly. As an anecdotal point, I'm actually also now a big fan of waiting longer than regular to get physical (read: to bone)--I wonder if those women in the 50s were actually onto something...

One good piece of advice that I received from someone much older and wiser than me is that it is great to get excited about a man, and to believe that he is "the one" (I, like many women and possible men I suspect, routinely think at first that whoever I'm dating is "the one") when you initially start dating, and there is of course a possibility that he will be, but statistically it is a very slim possibility. That's not to be pessimistic, but just to remember to relax, and to not project too much into the future. The other part of this, that should help you relax and just go with the flow, is that as we get older the men we meet and get into relationships with tend to be better and better matched to us. So while the end of a relationship definitely sucks balls and it's ok to feel very disappointed and eat icecream in bed, it really does make sense to then be excited for the next person who will almost certainly be better matched to you; statistically, it makes logical sense and is the most reasonable assumption.

In order to aid with my *chill the f*ck out" mantra, I like to listen to this song almost every day:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYvGMTntncQ Especially when I start to get over-excited about current relationship things. The music and the lyrics are both relaxing and I find it to be a good reminder to relax and enjoy every little bit of the journey of getting to know someone; falling in love should be one of the most wonderful times in your life--milk it, let it last for as long as it can!

Another mantra I really currently like in relationships and in life is: relax, everything is unfolding exactly as it should. I stole that one from X's favorite book. It helps me chill the fuck out. I really truly do feel optimistic that everything is unfolding exactly as it should be for me and for you in love and in life.

Other advice that I've gotten, which may not be at all applicable to you but which I've found really helpful so I'll spew it out anyway, is that the right man will make you feel very comfortable and at ease. You won't be worried about defining relationships or moving things along to the next stage, you will feel very calm and secure and relaxed, which allows all of the "stops along the way" (as per the Frank Sinatra song) to happen all on their own. I only half-heartedly believed this before but now I really get what these older and wiser people were talking about. I also finally agree that it's a good idea to let the guy drive when it comes to the speed of the relationship (unless he's driving too fast, of course). We are of course smarter than the menfolk and know a good thing when we see it long before they do but they need time to figure it out at their own, slower pace--it takes a lot of patience, but is a good very general rule of thumb I think, at least at first. I also think the thesis of the jazz song "100 Days, 100 Nights" is completely true-- it takes roughly 100 days for men to get over their initial infatuation and figure out how they really feel about a woman and a relationship and where they are at with themselves and their own life. Even if they think they know what they're doing and that they know themselves and what they want, I think it's always safe to give them about 100 days juuuuuust to make sure. Like how we don't let infants or the insane enter into contracts, same idea. :)

Finally, to top off all my unsolicited advice, is the issue of timing. Timing is king. A relationship must have the blessing of timing. Things happen when they are ready to happen, I really and truly believe that. I didn't feel that I personally was really ready with all aspects of my life to meet "the one" or whatever we shall call him (I don't really believe in the concept of "the one", I think there are many people we could all lead happy lives with) until I got the lease on my apartment in X on Y, which was the last piece of having all the components of my life and myself in order and set up the way I wanted them. And maybe I am wrong, maybe I'll still not ready, in which case, the universe is unfolding exactly as it should and I'm sure everything will work out for me, and then I am a little excited about whoever this new superman of my future I haven't met yet will be.

Alrighty, I think that's all for now. Thank you for humoring me and giving me an excuse to reflect a little and put off revising this X.

Big hug,

X