GRAMMYS

Last night I felt very inspired by my roots and decided that I was going to make homemade meatballs and marina sauce, both from scratch. This turned out to be quite a process and I ended up missing the red carpet [thank goodness for DVR!]. The meal turned out to be wonderful. I unfortunately cannot say the same thing for all of the red carpet fashions. Lets dive in!

FAIL:

Martina McBride. What are you doing? What, what, WHAT are you doing? This dress is, simply, ugly. I'm assuming that the designers were trying to achieve balance by doing a sleeve on one side, and extra length on the other, but this dress is anything but centered. She looked absolutely smashing during the Aretha Franklin tribute. That dress would've been a much better option for the Red Carpet.

Oh don't mind Gretchen Wilson! She just thought she was headed out to Tootsie's to drink some Jack Daniels [straight up, if you please]. She doesn't even know where she is!

Enough. Enough already. I mean seriously, you're just being weird now to be weird. It isn't art. It isn't clever. Its just freaking weird. Nobody gets your weirdness, so just quit it. If you didn't want to walk the red carpet and do interviews, then just say that. I've had enough Gaga.

Just because I wanted to include her in the Fail portion twice, here it is again: FAIL.

Whoooooaaaaaaa! Did any one else know that Ricky Martin was gay?? If you didn't, you do now. The shame in this outfit is that from the waist up, he looks like a sexy mofo. I'm not so much mad at the metallic-ness of his pants, but more the fit. Why not go for a perfectly tailored metallic suit pant instead? Much more sophisticated, but same general effect. Sorry Ricky. Fail.

I do not even know who this trick is, but FAIL FAIL FAIL. Really? A dress with music notes on it to the GRAMMYS. Clever.

No Ma'am, Ciara. Just no.

Ok. I'm sure that being a pregnant woman looking for formal wear is about as fun as a whale shopping for skinny jeans, but SURELY there have got to be better options than this dress. First of all, the COLOR. It looks like the color of a baby's nursery [perhaps she did that on purpose?]. The dress itself is not a horrible cut, but it would've been much better in like a royal blue or, for heavens sake, BLACK.

Cyndi, what in the GD hell are you doing? The problem with the Lady Gaga culture is that everyone, including old ass no longer relevant pop stars, feel like they have to up their "weird factor" in order to be noticed. NEWSFLASH: You don't. In fact, we'd all much rather notice you in a gorgeous gown than a very strange leather get up.

I'm having a hard time deciding why a man as sexy as Usher would choose an outfit as unfortunate as this one.

I really, really like Nicole Kidman and I always want to love what she's wearing, but in this case, I just don't. I don't get the ruffles and the colors are drab. There's always the Oscars!

I think that Jordin Sparks is just precious, but this dress makes her look OLD. I'm not certain of her current age, but I think she is around 22ish. This dress makes her look closer to 40. It is a Davids Bridal bridesmaids dress on crystal meth. She could have done much, much better.

Ok, this child is only TEN YEARS OLD. She should not be responsible for dressing herself. Jada oughtta be ashamed of herself for letting this innocent soul out of the house dressed like this. One day, in the near future [teenage years are just around the corner.....], Willow is going to remember this outfit and she is going to HATE YOU Jada. And you will deserve it. Get ready now because 13 year old girls are FUN.

So Hayley from Paramore rarely makes good fashion decisions, so I can't say that this atrocious outfit totally surprises me, but I'm holding out hope that one day, ONE DAY, she will give a shit and wear something that is actually cute and flattering. Rule #5 of the Red Carpet: Nobody wants to see your belly button.

Really, Adam Levine? Harem pants? Really? This guy keeps expecting us to believe he's straight wearing crap like this? Not buying it.

Ok, strangely enough, I think I see what Katy Perry was going for here, however, the goal was not quite achieved. I question mostly the material of the skirt. It looks like its made of either paint drop cloths or shower curtain liners [its a toss up]. Maybe she was planning ahead in case someone spilled red wine on her dress? When it's made of plastic, I suppose that makes for easy cleanup. The other confusing portion to me is the angel wings. That combined with the bedazzled bra makes it look like she is about to walk in a Victoria's Secret fashion show. I just........no.

Ok, so I get that everyone is trying to out weird one another with their fashion [and i use the term loosely] choices, but this is over the top. Nicki happens to be a very talented rapper and collaborater, but in my humble opinion, she is cheapening her talents by dressing like an IDIOT.

Lenny Kravitz did not do well picking his Grammy attire, but I still wouldn't say no.

MEH:

OK Beibs, I get that you're just a kid and your personal sense of style hasn't completely kicked in. I'm not totally mad at your cream colored tux, in fact, you look semi dapper. However, please invest in a pair of black dress shoes. The sneakers are simply not cutting it, especially since they are so WHITE compared to your suit.

While I may never understand why the Jersey Shore kids seem to be invited to EVERYTHING these days, I still love Snooki's dress. The shoes are not my fave [her toes are hanging off!], but the dress is sassy.

I somehow don't competely hate Natasha Beddingfields dress, but at the same time I feel like it's a bit too much. Also, the hair is completely crap. You were close Natasha!

So I was completely torn as to whether I should put Miley as a "MEH" or a "WIN". I actually like her overall look, and her make up looks fresh and young which I love. I ultimately decided on a "MEH" based on the fact that 1) while pretty, her dress is still an animal print and 2) there is way too much side boob going on.

I really, really, really wanted to give Jennifer Hudson a win because she looks so AMAZING, but I simply cannot stand the fact that this dress is Party in the front, Grammys in the back. If you cannot decide between gown length and cocktail length, please do not just compromise and go with both! When in doubt, floor length automatically looks better than cocktail.

I want to applaud B.o.B for wearing a red blazer and trying to mix it up, but overall I think he missed the mark on this outfit. I am especially confused by the scarf [?] around his waist.

Help me! Something about this outfit is OFF, but I can't put my finger on it. I think the mistake is happening somewhere around the jacket or the tie, but I'm just not sure.

I hate, hate, hate to give my beloved Mumford and Sons anything but a win [especially since they didn't actually win last night], and I even started out with them in the WIN category, but then I realized that my conscience couldn't live with that decision. Frankly, Marcus looks like a sexy mofo [I cannot wait for him to fall in love with me now that he's my neighbor], but Winston and Ben really need to quit it with those hats [ESPECIALLY Winston]. Ben looks like a young Robert Downey Junior, and I'm not mad at that, I just wish that he had said "NO" when J.Lo offered to let him borrow her hat, and I wish he had on a tie. Rule # 8 of the Red Carpet: A Tie makes everything look better.

WIN:

Dayum Girl! WORK. IT. This dress is FABULOUS and I think it's perfect for the Grammys. It's dressy enough to be appropriate, but it's flashy enough to be fun. It is a pinch short, but JLo definitely has the legs to pull it off, so I say do it up sister! My only question- how comfortable is the dress? It looks like it would be HEAVY. A++.

UGGGGGGHHHH. Now THIS is a dapper man. Black on black on half black. Couldn't come up with a better combination if I tried. PS- anybody else catch Drake doing the boner walk off stage during his performance with Rihanna? That was kind of mean of her to do that to him on national television. Something tells me he wasn't complaining.

My only suggestion for the ruggedly handsome Ray LaMontagne is to add a TIE. Please refer to Rule #8.

Ok, I have a feeling that some of you guys are going to disagree with me on this one, but I love, love, loved Florence Welch's dress. It is just the right amount of weird to make it uniquely her, but not so weird that it gets lost in translation. This is perhaps the perfected version of Bjork's Oscar outfit from so many years ago. Givenchy did Florence RIGHT. A++

Bruno Mars kind of needs a hair cut, but damn if he didn't look fly as hell. I feel like he is the long lost member of the Rat Pack. Rule #9 of the Red Carpet: You can forgo a tie if and only if you instead have a pocket square.

Metallics obviously reigned supreme as far as the women were concerned last night. Heidi Klum looked absolutely fabulous in hers, but then again, Heidi Klum could've worn a potato sack and out shined everyone else.

Now this is a good Grammy look for a band. Sanctus Real brought the sophistication last night. My only suggestion? Ditch the plaid tie.

Monica is bringing the SASS with this dress. Dear Lady Gaga, THIS is how you do a look with exaggerated shoulders. Boo-yah!

Meeeeow. If I am not mistaken, these boys are wearing Gucci, and my oh my are they wearing it well.

Despite the fact that John Mayer looks like a drug lord aspiring to be Johnny Depps stunt double, I still wouldn't say no.

This dress is super cute and flattering. Kelly Osbourne looks phenominal.

The rappers really brought the style last night. LL is lookin flyyyyyyyy.

This may be one of the best red caret looks that I have ever seen on Miranda Lambert. Well done!

Something about this look makes me want to say that it's wrong, but they did such a good job of looking like completely rock stars that I simply cannot fault it.

Divorce is looking GOOD on Miss Eva Longoria, unlike some other folks [*cough* Christina Aguilera *cough*].

Now THIS is how you dress for the Grammys. Maybe next time, we'll have a lesser dose of awkwardness. PS- why in the world did the Grammys not ask the Black Keys to perform last night? Weird.

I think Sara Bareilles looks great, but she needs a little pizazz! The hair should be sassier or she should have on some blinging jewelery [those bangles do not count]. Overall, I think this is a good look on her.

Um, where the F did the rest of Paul Wall go? You guys remember Paul Wall, the rapper, right? As in, "Ya, ya, ya grillz, ya, ya, ya grillz"? As in, he used to look like this:

What in the world happened to him? As another side note, he is currently serving as President of the Texas Chapter of the Academy of Recording Arts & Sciences. I never imagined that Paul Wall would be the President of anything!

No clue why Kim Kardashian is at the Grammys, but she looks phenominal in that dress.

I like what Diddy is doing here. He's mixing it up from the standard suit and tie, but he is still dressed appropriately for a high class event. Sean John can dress me any day.

Ok, I really don't care for LeAnn Rimes and I desperately wish she would eat something, but I begrudgingly love everything about this look. Dammit.

I simply adore Julianne Houghs dress. It was a nice stand out in a sea of metallics.

Look everybody! Selena Gomez is all grown up! She is in that award place in life where she's not quite an adult, but she is just a little more than a teenager. This dress fits that life stage perfectly. It's age appropriate without being too sexy. Well done!