Dancing with the......Stars?

I do not watch Dancing with the Stars. I never have. However, I may not be able to say that for much longer. This seasons cast is, well, interesting to say the least. I don't know how many of them I would call "stars" per say [well, Buzz Aldrin went to the moon, so I guess that's closer to stars than any of the other of them have been], but the combination of people is probably going to make this the most exciting reality television show that has existed in a hot minute.

Let's dive in.

This season we've got Kate Gosselin, Shannon Doherty, Pamela Anderson, Chad Ochocinco, Aiden Turner, Erin Andrews, Buzz Aldrin, Niecy Nash, Evan Lysacek, Nicole Scherzinger, and Jake Pavelka.

Ok, so Kate Gosselin. First of all, when was the last time you saw this lady with her kids that she "loves so much"? I've seen her hopping all around town with her new [ and horrible] weave, but haven't seen any Hawaiian babies anytime in the recent past. Do we really think that she has time to do this show? Do we really think that she is going to be any good? Of course not! She's going to be AWFUL. Bring on the entertainment! I'm calling her for first to be kicked off which is actually a little sad because she's just tryin to hustle and make that money so her kidz can eat. She's got nanny's to pay y'all!

Shannon Doherty. My oh my oh my. I'm calling a Shannon Doherty/Pamela Anderson fight right now. Also, maybe a Shannon Doherty/ Kate Gosselin fight. And oooooh I hope Shannon tries to pick a fight with Niecy because she will barking up the wrong tree with that one! I don't anticipate that Shannon will be a great dancer, but homegirl can through a punch. I say again, bring on the entertainment!

Ok, now, is anyone under any disillusion that Pamela Anderson will NOT be drunk for every single episode? If so, you need to get your head on straight right now and understand that this lady [term used loosely] doesn't leave her trailer with less than one bottle of champagne in her system. And yes, she lives in a trailer. Everyone thinks its all sad that she might be "bankrupt" and had to move out of her Malibu mansion and into a trailer. I just think she's getting back to her roots.

Ok, I'm not a Cincinatti Bengals follower and therefore don't really know a lot about Chad Ochocinco, but what I DO know is that he has a very Hispanic last name for a seemingly African-American man. At first glance, the last name can be confusing. Is it eight or is it five? How can it be both?? However, I believe his last name is our key to determining where he will place. Come alllloooooong with meeeeeeeee. Ocho. Cinco. Eight and five. Eight plus five is thirteen. One and three. One plus three is four. Chad Ochocinco will come in fourth place. BAM! Place your bets now.

I don't know a lot about Aiden Turner, but I know that he plays Aiden [ how convenient ] on All My Children and that is he a smoldering Brit. I hope he goes far because, ladies, he is EASY on the eyes.

Everyone wants to do a reality show after a huge scandal. Welcome to your redemption, Erin Andrews! Good call trying to get the straight mens to tune in ABC. Getting a smoking hot sportscaster whose privacy was unfairly invaded last year? GENIUS.

Buzz Aldrin dropping dead of a heart attack is Kate Gosselin's only hope for not being the first dancer to be sent home. Buzz Aldrin is eighty. EIGHTY. He should be rolling around in a wheelchair, not trying to ball room dance! I think that the powers that be should do a little research and see if any new life insurance policies have been taken out on dear old Buzz, cause I smell a rat!

Niecy Nash- my gurl! Some of you may know Niecy from Reno: 911 and some of you may be more familiar with her from Horders [yech], but either way, dis bitch is da bomb! Something tells me that Niecy knows how to shake that ass and will do well on this show.

Ok, I must admit, I did not watch the mens figure skating [however, I was filled in on all the Mens Figure Skating drama by my mother who is OBSESSED]. I'm gonna call right now that Evan is probably going to win either first or second place. Olympic medalists have done notoriously well on Dancing with the Stars [I also know this because of my mother]. Kristi Yamaguchi or Apollo Ono anyone? This kid is gonna rock it. Put your money down.

And here we meet Evan's greatest competition. Nicole Scherzinger shakes what her mama gave her for a LIVING and, frankly, has done pretty well at it. Mark my words, Evan or Nicole will win. I'm slightly tempted to root for Nicole because she's a Southern gal just like me [granted, Kentucky isnt quite as cool as Tennessee, but it'll do in a pinch].

I should also let it be known that I also do not watch The Bachelor, but this guy is not bad to look at AT ALL. The only thing that I really know about Jake Pavelka is based on Facebook status updates and evidently he picked the wrong girl and Vienna Sausage is a skanky slut tranny mess! Sadly, Jake won't be on the show for long [I calls em like I sees em!].

So there we have it. Well done, Dancing with the Stars. You have piqued my interest. I'll see you soon.