I'm On Board With This

The SarcMark is out, but the new Ketchup pack is in. Ladies and gents, worry no more with those flimsy and unpredictable ketchup packets. I present to you, the new "Dip & Squeeze".

Heinz says this updated model will hold 3 times more ketchup and will make it harder for assholes in high school cafeterias everywhere to destroy the jeans of the nerdy kid who falls for the "step on the open ketchup packet" trick. I think everyone wins here.